Becoming Real

Years ago at the beginning of my healing journey I wrote a post titled My Velveteen Rabbit Experience.

If you know that story you’ll remember how the bunny changes shape and appearance throughout the process of being deeply loved and cherished by his human boy.

The post I wrote referenced this story as I was noticing massive physical changes in myself. Losing half of my hair, the rapid yellowing of my teeth, nearly constant constriction in almost every aspect of my life. Everything felt like it was flying apart.

At that time I related to the bunny who was physically altered, worn out and scuffed up because I had an inkling that I, too, was in the process of becoming authentic.

Remembering how it was necessary for the bunny to change in order to fully restore his soul. By the end of the story his spirit was whole, his heart was full. He was so well loved that he finally became real.

A homecoming of sorts.

I think that is what has happened to me.

It’s been years since I wrote about it, but just the other morning in the garden as I held my daughter’s bunny, Blue, I realized what an extraordinary experience it has been and just how far I have come.

While I sometimes still have symptoms, I better know how to handle them and don't immediately conduct a swan dive into fear any longer.

Just last week at my family's annual 4th of July reunion I had a massive flare up. Unfortunate timing to be puffy, wheezy, sneezy and unable to smell or taste. Inside I watched the fireworks alone through the window in order to avoid the smoke that comes with them.

It left me full of tears. Healing can be so isolating at times.

On one of the afternoons, quite a few of us were laying in the sun listening to music as the kids ran around in the grass. I laid there on my towel quietly crying.

Missing the days when my health was predictable and when I felt consistently shiny.

Or at least when I could better pretend I was fine even if I wasn’t.

As I worked through my feelings I noticed that the more I let myself feel, cry and release,

the better I physically felt.

I came away with a new understanding: The more real I am the better I feel.

It’s ok the let yourself feel it even if it's uncomfortable

It’s ok to be worn out

It’s ok if you’ve had enough

It’s ok to have hiccups along the way

It’s ok to let others know

It’s ok to be puffy, swollen and somewhere in the middle of your process

It’s ok to let yourself cry in the grass on the 4th of July