Chronic

Updated: Sep 17, 2021

WHEN YOUR BODY ISN'T WORKING LIKE IT USED TO

This is so hard. The roller coaster of life when experiencing chronic illness. This is just my personal experience but I thought perhaps by sharing it, others might feel less alone. Hopefully more understood. Stronger knowing that we are together. While I am always grateful for love and prayers and compassion, my motivation for sharing is more about connecting, communicating and joining forces for healing our bodies, minds and planet. Please no pity for me, for this has been the transformation of a lifetime and I am grateful to be able to undergo massive growth. I am however, ready to be done with the physical squeeze!

I’ll have a week or so of near perfect health. Breathing is easy. Energy is good. Body is functioning well. I'm on top of the world, feeling confident in my health and totally exuberant to be alive. Then something happens like an intensely smokey day, a quick exposure to a moldy building, or strong perfume from someone in the store. Or I eat a mystery combination of foods over a few days that end up 'overflowing' my histamine bucket and I am left wheezing, sneezing and nebulizing medicine trying to restore proper lung function and questioning giving up food altogether. These are things that are unavoidable (the air, even when I stay inside with a filter) or unknown (mold, perfume, cleaning chemicals) until I get symptoms which take days to weeks to resolve. What in the hell kind of life is this? I am not giving up. But I am so incredibly frustrated. And so incredibly tired.

While having remained grateful and fairly graceful about it on most days since I got sick, I am hitting a wall of exhaustion and desperation. I am tired of my routine- so many appointments, adjustments, supplements, new theories for healing, different diets, fasts, meditations, releases, cleanses. My spirit is tired from trying to let go and let God. My brain is exhausted from trying to figure it out. To try to connect this food with this symptom.

Food journals. Blood pressure logs. Endless searching. Endless praying.

Does this supplement help? Yes, but then the FDA pulled it from the shelves. Why does my steroid inhaler make me wheeze afterwards, when I was feeling fine beforehand? Seems completely counterproductive, but I am not a doctor. And I want to continue to breathe so I keep using it, hoping it eases my overall breathability. But if I stay on it too long, I could develop glaucoma. I want to be off of everything. Back to how I was before mold but able to keep this newfound wisdom, growth and expansion. I am SO grateful for this experience of being ill. But I am also SO SO SO done with the fighting to stay alive. And definitely don't want to glom onto the title of chronic illness as part of my lifelong identity. I long to be free. Can you relate?

Today I want to give up. To say I’ve had it. Enough already. I have changed EVERYTHING and it’s been 2 years now and am still struggling. The state of the world, the climate, the wars, the confusion, the fear, the ever changing pandemic somedays tips me over the edge if my body is also struggling. Nothing feels predictable, especially when ones body is unpredictable. Chronic illness can shove you right into the deep-end of a spiritual search seeking a broader understanding of life. Because that’s the only direction to go, or at least the only one I wanted to choose. I’m not ready to give up but sometimes I want to.

I have so much to live for with my beautiful loving family, the creative energy that flows through me, my love for the planet and all of her creatures. I know I'm not ready to be done yet and days like today remind me that others might feel like this, too. Or even worse. Maybe you struggle with all of these things? It feels like a club I didn’t previously know anything about or ask to join, yet here I am. So I’d like tell you you’re not alone or at least introduce myself if you've already been here for awhile. If you’re in the chronic illness club, I love you. My whole heart aches for and celebrates with you. This is the most challenging experience I’ve ever been through and can imagine you feel this way somedays, too.

So if you, too, are struggling with chronic illness or challenging health symptoms, here is the message that came through to me:

YOU ALREADY HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED

Now this is an interesting one for me to wrap my head around. If this is true, why are the health struggles still here? Why can't I attain steadfast health? So I think this is more of a spiritual interpretation. "We have everything we need" meaning:

We have guides, angels and all sorts of helpers if only we ask
We have tools: prayer, release, visualization, meditation, intuition, dreams, gut feelings
Our bodies are enormously resilient. Beyond our wildest dreams. We CAN heal
Access to a huge variety of foods, supplements, ideas, stories, Google
Hopefully access to clean water. A safe home. And loved ones
WE HAVE THE UNIVERSAL WISDOM of GOD/GODDESS

Please don’t give up

Don’t let the dark thoughts chase out all of your light

But do let your true feelings spill

Pour them out however it works for you

Let people see your vulnerability, your humanness, your strength

You will be able to run, eat, and breathe again

This ends and you do get better

So I am going to ask for help and remain open to the many forms in which it can take. I'm going to pray, meditate, laugh, cry, cook food, do the dishes, rest, stay in bed, take walks, do cleanses, try new supplements, talk to people, go to the appointments and listen to my intuition. Or maybe let go of everything that once was and open to the infinite healing power of our bodies. Of our Earth. Of God, in whatever shape that takes for each of us.

Simply continue to continue.

And try to ride the roller coaster with my hands a little higher up in the air now.

Afterall, I don't know when this all ends or what comes next.

But what I do know is this:

I asked to come here, to be here, to experience life on Earth at this time, as wild and confusing as it feels somedays.

I want to help.

I have grown more in the past 2 years than I ever before.

For the first time in my life, I truly honor my body's wisdom and love myself.

I cherish the tender, good moments and can move more gracefully through the hard, intense moments because I now know both will shift before long.

Freedom from the attachment to 'the way I think things should go.'

That this is part of the Divine plan.

This is my Ascension.