Funny thing about healing is that I don't know if we are every really done.
I thought I had addressed and healed my old program of perfectionism. These days it is much easier for me to apologize, to take accountability, to leave dishes in the sink, to let myself take breaks and admit when I am feeling grumpy. My health isn't where I would like it but I don't dwell on it as much as I used to. We have mismatched towels in the bathroom and ate mac-n-cheese for dinner two nights in a row. The rigidity and need for control that I used to feel has greatly dissipated after some nervous system regulation and excellent therapy. Ahh. So good. But then it popped up in a different way. A new layer to look at.
Here goes.
Over the last few weeks my teenage son has asked me why I am always trying to improve things. Why can't I just let things be how they are? He genuinely meant it and said it with a kind intonation. To add to his observations, my husband reflected something similar when he said that my tendency to hyper-analyze and overthink is probably the hardest thing about being married to me. This has me wondering if perhaps I can let go even more and still be ok.
Also, I want to highlight that neither my son nor husband said these things in a flustered impatient you-better-fix-this-or-else type way. They were both full of honesty and love. Such a beautiful way to be approached about things like this. No need to feel defensive.
They are totally right. I oftentimes spin thoughts over a hundred times in my mind wondering if there was a better way I could have done something. Or if my past self made the right choices in regards to decisions that affected my whole family. I wonder if I could have helped my children avoid certain obstacles. I wonder if I am messing up some how or missing something I should be doing. I find being a parent to be very natural and also very difficult. The world tells you to enjoy every moment because it goes too fast but then every moment isn't enjoyable and I feel overwhelmed by the responsibility I feel having someone's childhood in my hands. I desperately don't want to inflict childhood trauma on my kids while at the same time I don't want to stay caged in my self-crafted box of perfectionism because that, too, causes problems.
I am endlessly grateful for therapists and healers, by the way. So helpful in learning how to be human.
This week I have been thinking (over-thinking? haha) about why the need to be perfect was something I had adopted early in my life. While I understand it was my survival strategy given growing up with an unpredictable Dad, I think it goes deeper than that. I have worked out my Dad stuff with enormous clarity and forgiveness over the years and no longer feel the need to reopen that story. But something in my being still finds comfort in the familiarity of never feeling good enough. So I create the narrative for myself. Yikes.
The best part about recognizing this fact is that if I am able to create this then I must also have the ability to free myself from living this way. So how do I do that?
My therapist said to get good at saying "If that is the way it went, then that was the way it was supposed to be." Stop that overthinking, over-achieving brain in its tracks.
To step out of the old program first requires seeing the old program and understanding the reason it has been running. Then there is the element of trusting that your old self did the absolute best that you could. And knowing that now you are strong enough to try life in a different way. To recognize that the old way is no longer serving you and you are ready to break free. And also that none of it was wrong.
I think the next step would then be offering yourself a chance to let go a little at a time and seeing how that feels. Or let go all at once! When you see that the world keeps going and you find new spaciousness within your life, that will be the proof that you are safe to let go of the old way.
And remember kindness towards yourself always. You are not something to constantly be fixing. You are not a problem to be solved. While there is room for self-improvement and growth, you are doing it just right exactly where you are in this very moment and you have been every step of your life. There is no "getting it wrong" because you are here to experience your life in its entirety. You don't get more points for working yourself into exhaustion or for doing it perfectly.
The beauty is in whole picture that is you.
Comments