The post I wrote a few days ago spurred the inspiration for this one. I've been thinking so much about my Dad and incredulously enough, we have been in better communication than ever before. This is big work. Some of the heaviest lifting of my lifetime. But this is the work that is needed and I am glad to be doing it, for it lends for a lighter and more clarified experience of life. Crystalline understandings, once moved through.
Getting sick from mold continues to unveil deep lessons and unearth the heavy rocks I had been carrying. Being alive becomes more beautiful the more I understand about my ancestors and inner workings. Illness has been the greatest teacher of my life. Who knew? Maybe my Dad did.....
Last year, during one of our meetings amongst the stars
You asked for my forgiveness Your face was red and your chin trembling
Your eyes were soft and sad and beautiful You told me that you didn’t mean to hand me these heavy burdens Old survival patterns and out-dated modes of operation Thick layers of perfectionism and terror Worn threads once woven into the intricate quilt of our family’s story We cried together and hugged under the old pine tree at the farm I forgave you
It was easy to do
For you were a child at one time as well
Simply dealing with the cards you’d been dealt
And trying your best to survive them
When you died, we hadn’t said goodbye We hadn’t even really talked You were busy getting your business in order And the TV constantly hummed in your room A loud and distracting repellant Neither of us knew what to do But there was a mystery flash drive left near your computer
And it had my initials on it Mom handed it to me with hopeful eyes
I held onto it for many nights after you died Waiting with anticipation to read what it was you had to tell me Hoping for words of wisdom and insight and love But to my enormous disappointment It had nothing of the sort And I was left wondering
Why you didn’t have anything to say to me
In the weeks leading up to your departure I had always felt invisible to you
But this was a soul-crushing disappointment
And a giant missed opportunity Recently, I’m understanding that we had much left to discuss And we are just now getting to it
In our meetings by way of my dreams
It’s never really goodbye anyway, is it?
To see his vulnerability and humanness made it easy to forgive my father
But as it turns out there is another layer I just discovered
It is this: What I really wanted was for you to know me To recognize the wisdom and the wonder within your child To look at me and really see me To help me believe in myself And love me for exactly who I was So that I could, too, love myself
I am happy to tell you, I have learned how to do this now
WE MEET AGAIN
Our meeting this morning changed everything I was a child again
Out on a walk in the field From a distance, I saw you working in the garden soil
Shovel in hand Socks pulled up straight
Your funny old tennis headband on your head
Your face lit up and you waved for me to come over to your garden A place that always captivated my curiosity but one I didn’t dare enter For it was yours and it was the place where you found peace
Or at least looked for it
Where you did your own version of moving meditation
Where the dirt therapy took place
And I was too afraid to step inside
But today was different and you wanted to share it
So I slowly came over, somewhat reluctantly We walked around together Our feet sinking a little in the soft dirt You started to explain something about the squash or cucumbers
But stopped mid-sentence “What do you think?” You asked me Full of nerves, I looked up at you and softly started to speak Then the words came pouring out
Gaining momentum after the many years of being locked away
I had been too afraid to show you who I was And you had never asked to see There has been so much I longed to share with you
Ask you about who you really are
To know your thoughts and feelings and dreams
To share mine with you
Information about ancient remedies and healing with nutrition
Plant wisdom and profound testimonies about health and recovery
I longed to help you when you got sick In the next part of my dream I was a teenager
I showed you the leaves of a small plant
And you gazed into my hands with a curiosity and wonder that mirrored my own We studied the patterns in the soil and discussed how to best grow the turmeric You believed in the wisdom of the Earth and supported my ideas
Even offering to build a box more conducive to growing our root vegetable medicine You invited me into your workshop where we could design it together
Your hand was on my shoulder
I felt strong and brave and confident
And for the first time
Truly seen and celebrated by you
. . .
After this morning's meeting in the stars I feel lighter Turns out the expiration date for these heavy old burdens was today
And I hope you feel these things, too
I will continue to lighten the load as it is revealed
To unpack the stuff that comes with being alive
The stuff all families carry But you, you are free now
I forgive you for not knowing
For being human
We are good
And I love you all the more
As I work through what it means to be myself
The way I heal this story is to change it for my own children To look into their faces and see their wise and curious hearts
Encourage them to be who they already are
To wave when I see them out there if the fields wondering and wandering
To invite them into my garden
And ask for their ideas
To recognize their innate wisdom so that they, too, will know how to recognize it if ever there comes a day that they have forgotten
These are the things I have learned from being desperately sick
These are the profound lessons that have helped me to rewrite my life's story
From this moment forward
These are the beautiful gems hidden deep within our struggles
Do you share a similar journey?
As for my Father's garden from my star-filled dreams
I will visit again soon
For the resonance of this morning’s meeting still lingers in my bones
I haven’t been able to speak all day
It is dinner time now and I am making omelettes with purple onions, garlic and zucchini
And eggs from our own chickens
You would be proud of me, Bears
I know you are
And you’re invited for dinner
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