For my entire life I have dreamt of helping others heal. My heart has always been in it. Even as a preverbal little one I patted my older sister gently on the back as she cried after falling down. Brown eyes wide and big heart open. Helping others runs in my veins.
I have studied the healing arts all of my adult life. Ayurveda, Spiritual Counseling, Integrative Nutrition, Energy Work. My shelves are full of books on spirituality, health and wellness. My website is beautiful and dedicated to helping those who are struggling with their own health. I have a deep passion for healing and it comes from lifetimes of practice.
Since getting sick in 2019, I haven't been able to put other people first as much as I would like to. My passion for helping others has been forced to take the backseat as my body cried out for my attention. Try as I might to launch my business and start seeing clients, the sessions that I have held with others have mostly left me exhausted and depleted. Not the type of healing that I would like to be offering. While I might be of some service to those around me, I can't pull from an empty well and know deep down that I must heal myself first.
So onwards with my own resuscitation I have plunged. My full time job, outside of taking care of my family, is one of self-healing. It has been an introspective couple of years now and something that I desperately needed. A crash course in healing. An up close and personal PhD in those healing arts I had previously studied.
However, throughout this whole healing phase of mine I have always felt a little impatient. Let's figure this out. Let's get on with healing myself so that I can better assist others on their healing path. What can I learn from this to help someone else? If this works for me, then maybe I can share it....
This is the conversation that keeps going in my mind.
Today as I laid on the floor listening to the spring rain, I realized that maybe this is all actually for me. The healing, the learning, the experiencing, the growth..... and what if it is just so? I have spent years of my life and plenty of funds on studying the ancient healing ways in hopes of helping others.
But what if this is all for me? Would it still be worthwhile?
If this is what it has all been for, is that enough?
Asking these questions is healing in itself, for the answer to all is a resounding YES.
Confirmation of something I have always understood:
That by healing oneself, we help to heal the world.
Speaking with my friend earlier this week prompted a new train of thought. By healing ourselves, we heal seven generations in both directions, she told me. This gave me pause.
And I have been reflecting on our conversation all week.
If I am changing the course of my family's lineage in both directions, that is freaking huge. Monumental. Earthshaking. But also unseen by me in my human form.
Can I accept that I am enough in this very moment and yet still have dreams of helping others? It definitely doesn't look like what I had envisioned for my life at this point, but can I accept it as it is right now?
Maybe it will all make sense someday, either on earth or someplace else. But for now I am learning to offer myself a peaceful freedom to continue filling my own well and healing from the very core of my being. No judgement. No timelines. And as foreign as it may feel, just for me.
Can you relate?
So much love.
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