When it doesn't feel peaceful

This summer has been rough. Our temperatures here in Montana hit 100 degrees the first week of June and haven't really relented for months now. We haven't had any rain. It's mid-August and I am praying for fall and winter to hurry up and get here. This is scary. And it seems the weather has been unpredictable everywhere. I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling stressed and afraid.

Lately, the dry wind whips constantly. We've lost one trampoline and had to take down it's replacement until we can dig a pit for it.

The grasshoppers, cute and small and colorful in May, turned into hoards of a locust-like plague reminiscent of an old story in a history book. Maybe this was biblical? The one when all of the crops were lost and the people had move on to different lands. I didn't even try to do a garden this year. The swarms have finally died down a little, due to starvation I presume. There is literally nothing left to eat.

While we were out of town a couple of weeks ago, a mountain lion kill (dead deer eaten in standard lion fashion) was found on our property, close to my kids zip line. That same week, our two beloved cats went missing and haven't returned. Our hearts are heavy. We kept them inside at night, but they loved being outside during the day chasing mice and hunting in the grass. Apparently, so do big cats.

The hardest part for me has been the wildfires and the smoke that comes along with them. It is daunting to go outside. It is so hard to breathe and feels claustrophobic looking around, unable to see more than one mile. Where are the beautiful mountains? I miss the big sky.

My first reaction is to flee. Run away to the lakes where there is an abundance of water and little risk of fire. However, I was just there and it hadn't stopped raining in weeks. Cities are flooding and I couldn't go in to most buildings due to my body's overreaction to mold. And there was plenty of smoke at Lake Superior, coming in from the west coast of Canada. There is no escaping this reality - and it is affecting all of us in one way or another.

I miss how it used to be. Life as I remember from another realm. One that was in sync and the rhythms lined up. The seasons were in order and the creatures were in peace. The earth was respected as were all living things. An existence that made sense to my soul. Do you feel this way, too? I am putting my intention on creating a new way of living. Imagining how it will feel when things are settled, harmonious, in alignment. We have some work to do, but deep down I am hopeful.

But it is not peaceful right now. At least not from my perspective. Things feel chaotic and confusing and unpredictable. So I am learning what to do with this intensity.

What is it that you do?

I wasn't raised in a formal religion. We were more of a pagan-nature-loving-celebrate-the seasons-see-God-in-all-things-and-be-kind type of family. I talked to the trees and whispered to my horse and bunnies. Asked my questions while I swam in the lake and found my answers in the way the clouds moved across the sky. Caught fireflies and let them go, carrying a wish back into the wild. The word prayer didn't make sense to me. It felt foreign and uncomfortable. That's because I thought it had to be done a certain way and that I was wrong in my approach. Now I know it's unique to each one of us. There is no wrong way to pray.

So I have been doing my kind of praying:

Collecting rocks in the rivers and lakes and noticing the tiny details.

Looking, really looking, at my children when they speak to me.

Listening to their inflections and hearing the questions they are asking that hide behind their words. And doing my best to answer.

Taking walks at sunset and taking pictures of the beauty that is all around.

Sending positive energy and strength to my loved ones.

Sending love to the earth and all of her inhabitants.

Just sending love.

Star gazing.

Snuggling with my beloved.

Trying to be present.

Listening to soothing music.